The early parts of this week have plagued me with gross sadness.
I guess I should be honest and say I dosed quite a bit of Psilocybin on Tuesday. And, I got where I wanted to be which is where the world around your eyes begins to twist into ribbons and your body starts running on what feels like autopilot.
I dosed at 12:30 in the morning and began to experience psychedelic effects shortly thereafter. My intention in eating them was to see if I could give my anti-depressent a couple months of a boost as even small doses of Psilocybin are known to reduce symptoms of depression for months after.
I ate an excessive two gram dose of mushrooms (partly too, for recreation) and I began to get ready for bed, except this was not me, it was just my body carrying me through the motions. I was high as can be, seeing my life from a third person perspective. I saw the disgusting state of my room and began to feel trapped by my habitual messiness. I thought, how do I deserve to head to Israel when I cannot even keep my room clean or for that matter, my mind clean?
I began to consider those familiar voices in my head telling me I was unclean and unworthy and ridiculous to believe that my head could retain any other language or ambition. I thought of depression and how it has diseased me with no apparent cause.
It is very hard to describe psychedelic revelations as they happen so quickly and twist thought to thought from individual to global and cultural perspectives, as if they were dimensional chambers, rather than electrical synapses. In these chambers, depression showed itself to me as an existential crisis. No one knows where it comes from but it keeps millions of people in the shadows each day. We are medicated for it with artificial replacement chemicals that mask symptoms rather than targeting their existential causes. Those causes that are so deep within us, they make us doubt whether or not we should even be alive.
Psilocybin gave me a fight I could see. It gave me the disastrous thoughts as filthy blocks that were stacking before my breathing room, threatening to suffocate me once more. But I was not having it, there was never time for me to think myself unworthy of my natural, born life. So, I pulled the blocks down just as quickly as they came up and chased myself further and further into sleep.
Sleep comes funny on any psychedelic. It comes like a heavy fog from the edge of the skull and when it finally hits it is so welcome, for I battled through this trial a good three hours. You might ask what is worth it about dosing some moldy and illicit fungi only to then see your depression coming at you full force and even muttering, rather rationalizing, that you to kill yourself because the world is too dreadful.
I would venture to say everything.
This illicit substance, I love it. I know there are psychedelic testing facilities, but I think it ought to be legalized for further research on humans. The possibility it has to open your eyes to patterns of behavior that are harmful, is immense. The world could use some “psychedelic”, or rather, “soul revealing” flavor.
When I woke up in the morning my mind felt fresh, though very sleepy. It felt as though I had seen my way though a maze of misery and found some clarity. The mushrooms had not (not even in showing me the option of suicide) exposed me to anything any more dreadful than my sober mind experiences day to day. It had given me a new way to see things. I wasn’t wrapping myself around and around bad thoughts; I was actually thinking forward.
Regardless my sadness remains, but this sadness is not so internal. It has more to do with the fact that I am leaving my home for a good while to a place of thousand year old conflicts. This is my future and it proceeds me with looming intensity, each year another second to decide who and what I am going to be. The more I consider it the more excited I become. Surely I will live through.
Furthermore, I will continue in my future to find and carefully dose Psilocybin in order to further delve into the chambers of my brain. I will continue looking forward to the day when we get our heads out of our asses and make this available to the masses in safe dosages. That way people may come to better understand the inner functioning of their own brain from inside their own brain.